I am proud to report that I pulled myself together today and gathered enough energy to write this blog post. I could have stayed tightly tucked in a blanket on the couch in front of my tv as it plays back to back silly Christmas movies, but I was driven to share my experience of the moment of excitement I had today.
This week has been unimaginably difficult for me because the love of my life crossed the rainbow bridge. We were connected way down deep in the soul and although the adult version of myself understood that someday we would part, there is another version of me that never thought I would need to walk a single day on earth without him. Those two versions of myself are currently pulling each other apart inside my body.
Now that I have touched on my state of mind this week, I am sure you can imagine the lack of desire for things like eating, showering, cleaning, laundry or checking the mailbox. Well, today’s storm gave me a good opportunity to quietly scurry down to the box, grab my mail and run back up to my comfort zone without being noticed. I am not ready to run into my neighbors who might ask me how I am doing or offer their condolences for something I haven’t fully accepted yet.
To my surprise – MY FIRST Pen Pal Adventure Book arrived! Shocking even myself… I was thrilled and excited to open that padded envelope! Thrilled and excited are not emotions I care to see or feel, but here they were!
I opened up the book and read the story and saw the pictures of someone else’s adventure. There was a picture of a santa, a green faced adorable elf, a doggie, and a drawing of a Christmas tree. The story is a simple factual moment in someone’s life but it had been intentionally written in this book, with these pictures and this drawing, just for me to read. It feels tangible and real. It feels so much more authentic than seeing 55 photos posted on social media.
I knew I would love this Pen Pal Adventure Book game but I had no idea that it would become part of my healing journey as I slowly try to find my way through this grief.
My days are 99% sadness with a 1% moment of a fake smile or a laugh with a friend. I know that as time goes on, the 1% will turn into 5%, then 10%, and so on… So today, I will end on a positive note and say how super grateful I am for the person who sent me this book which gave me the 1% of pure excitement that will carry me through until tomorrow.
Marshmellow next to my heart where he loved to be - 2016